| I have the very worst luck with getting | | | | but Luis Alvarez doesn't live here. Mexican: |
| wrong-number phone calls, no matter what | | | | (After a long and pregnant pause) Oh, I see. |
| country I live in. Believe me, when we moved | | | | Well, then, can you go and get Luis Alvarez |
| to Mexico, the problem didn't get any better. | | | | for me? Me: Say, what? Mexican: Can you run |
| When we lived in Overland Park, Kansas, the | | | | to wherever Luis Alvarez is and get him to |
| wrong numbers started the very day we moved | | | | the phone for me? Me: You still don't |
| in and had our phone connected. Someone, no, | | | | understand. This is not Luis Alvarez's house. |
| I mean thousands of people, began calling for | | | | Mexican: Oh, I get that. Are you a gringo or |
| Air-Tech Technologies. The company title is a | | | | something? Never mind. Can you just go and |
| redundancy, I know, and perhaps that's why at | | | | get him? Me: But, I don't know any Luis |
| least seven countries were hunting down the | | | | Alvarez. Mexican: I am sure he lives in your |
| CEO of this business to beat him senseless | | | | Barrio (neighborhood). Can you ask your |
| for that name, but no! Apparently, these | | | | neighbors where he lives and then go get him? |
| yahoos sold some sort of components for jet | | | | Me: No, I don't think I can do that. Mexican: |
| fighter computerized navigation systems. The | | | | You've got to be a gringo. Ok, Let me ask you |
| component did not work. These people to whom | | | | this: Can I leave a message for Luis Alvarez? |
| Mr. Ha-Ha-I've-Got-Your-Money sold these | | | | When you see him, can you give it to him? Me: |
| defective microchips wanted to have a few | | | | But I don't know any Luis Alvarez! Mexican: |
| words with him, which I am sure meant they | | | | ¡Qué Padre! Me: I am going to hang up |
| wanted to threaten him in the most menacing | | | | now. Mexican: Ok, Gringo-man, just tell Luis |
| way imaginable. Mr. Air-Tech CEO previously | | | | Alvarez when you see him that Chucho called. |
| had the number we were now assigned. The | | | | Click We were waiting for a call from a |
| phone company did not retire his number when | | | | friend so we plugged in the phone and forgot |
| he, of course, wink, wink, changed it. For | | | | it was "HOT!" and ready for "LIVE" Luis |
| 180 days, we received Air-Tech's calls from | | | | Alvarez action! (This conversation has been |
| all over the world. Companies in New Zealand | | | | translated from the Spanish for clarity, |
| and Australian that were looking for this guy | | | | alacrity, familiarity, and any other "ity" |
| were forever forgetting how to calculate the | | | | you can imagine...) |
| time differences between Kansas and Down | | | | |
| Under. Once, I received a dozen faxes from | | | | ME: Hello? PERT AND RUDE MEXICANA: I |
| the New Zealand government demanding I fork | | | | would like to speak with Luis Alvarez. A |
| over a refund that I think was at least 8 | | | | Short Pause in the Action I have been |
| digits, or else! I finally asked someone what | | | | sitting around planning and plotting most |
| exactly we were being hounded about. I talked | | | | fiendishly for months just how to respond to |
| with an Australian newspaper reporter who | | | | these people. The reason is that they cannot |
| told me the entire scoop. Finally, I called | | | | seem to grasp what "You're reached a wrong |
| the phone company. After several service | | | | number" means. This is not a Mexican |
| reps, each of which insisted I retell the | | | | phenomenon. When I was in America, this old |
| story for his or her mirth and enjoyment, | | | | lady would always call and insist on making a |
| changed our telephone number for free. So, | | | | hair appointment with me. No matter what I |
| here I am thinking that moving to Mexico | | | | told her, no matter how I pled with her that |
| would offer us some relief from what I | | | | I wasn't "Get Nailed" Hair, Wax, and Nail |
| erroneously thought was an American | | | | Salon, she insisted I take her appointment. |
| issue-wrong numbers. Mexico is even worse! | | | | To keep her from hounding me, I begin |
| The current battle in which we are engaged is | | | | scheduling her in. So, this happens anywhere |
| for someone named "Luis Alvarez." I have no | | | | that has phones. Back to the Action ME: This |
| idea what he's wanted for nor why everyone in | | | | is the house of Bower. PERT AND RUDE |
| all of Latin America is after him, but this | | | | MEXICANA: The house is in a shower? ME: This |
| guy must owe everyone money. He must have | | | | is a house of Gringos. PERT AND RUDE |
| signed up for a loan and then didn't make | | | | MEXICANA: I don't care where you are from; I |
| payments, has gambling debts, or at the very | | | | want to speak with Luis Alvarez. ME: We are |
| least is loved and wanted by all of Mexico | | | | Gringos from the United States and we don't |
| and seven other Latin American countries. We | | | | know this guy. PERT AND RUDE MEXICANA: Have I |
| get calls, and I am not making this up, for | | | | reached 555-5555? ME: Yes, but we don't know |
| Luis Alvarez so many times a day that we've | | | | this guy. PERT AND RUDE MEXICANA: Then why do |
| lost count. As I am typing these words, the | | | | we have your address and phone number as his |
| phone, which we had to unplug, is now sitting | | | | place of residence? ME: Because, Chiquita, he |
| there unavailable for us to use. If it were | | | | is a crazy man much like you are a crazy |
| plugged in, it would be ringing off the hook | | | | woman for failing to grasp the concept that |
| for our good friend, Luis, who must have us | | | | ...YOU HAVE THE WRONG NUMBER! Now, this would |
| as character references or something! I swear | | | | have lagged on for minutes were it not for a |
| to God, I got this call at 2:30 am one | | | | string of Spanish epithets that somehow quite |
| morning last fall: To save time, I have | | | | miraculously came rushing out of my mouth. I |
| translated it into English. Mexican: Hello, | | | | was possessed by the Street-Spanish Demon and |
| is Luis Alvarez there? Me: I am afraid you | | | | cannot be held responsible for what happened |
| have the wrong number. Mexican: Did I dial | | | | next. She hung up. I expect to start |
| 555-5555? Me: Yes. Mexican: Then I got the | | | | receiving visitors to my door any day now, |
| right number. I would like to talk to Luis | | | | with at least two thugs named Bubbito (this |
| Alvarez, please, if it's not a bother. Me: | | | | is Spanish for Bubba) and Lennito (this is |
| There is no Luis Alvarez here. Mexican: But I | | | | Spanish for Lenny). They will be looking |
| dialed the correct number. Me: Yes, you did | | | | for Luis Alvarez, of course! |