| I have the very worst luck with getting
| |
| | Me: Yes, you did but Luis Alvarez doesn't
|
| wrong-number phone calls, no matter what
| |
| | live here. Mexican: (After a long and
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| country I live in. Believe me, when we
| |
| | pregnant pause) Oh, I see. Well, then,
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| moved to Mexico, the problem didn't get
| |
| | can you go and get Luis Alvarez for me?
|
| any better. When we lived in Overland
| |
| | Me: Say, what? Mexican: Can you run to
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| Park, Kansas, the wrong numbers started
| |
| | wherever Luis Alvarez is and get him to
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| the very day we moved in and had our
| |
| | the phone for me? Me: You still don't
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| phone connected. Someone, no, I mean
| |
| | understand. This is not Luis Alvarez's
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| thousands of people, began calling for
| |
| | house. Mexican: Oh, I get that. Are you a
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| Air-Tech Technologies. The company title
| |
| | gringo or something? Never mind. Can you
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| is a redundancy, I know, and perhaps
| |
| | just go and get him? Me: But, I don't
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| that's why at least seven countries were
| |
| | know any Luis Alvarez. Mexican: I am sure
|
| hunting down the CEO of this business to
| |
| | he lives in your Barrio (neighborhood).
|
| beat him senseless for that name, but no!
| |
| | Can you ask your neighbors where he lives
|
| Apparently, these yahoos sold some sort
| |
| | and then go get him? Me: No, I don't
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| of components for jet fighter
| |
| | think I can do that. Mexican: You've got
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| computerized navigation systems. The
| |
| | to be a gringo. Ok, Let me ask you this:
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| component did not work. These people to
| |
| | Can I leave a message for Luis Alvarez?
|
| whom Mr. Ha-Ha-I've-Got-Your-Money sold
| |
| | When you see him, can you give it to him?
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| these defective microchips wanted to have
| |
| | Me: But I don't know any Luis Alvarez!
|
| a few words with him, which I am sure
| |
| | Mexican: ¡Qué Padre! Me: I am going to
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| meant they wanted to threaten him in the
| |
| | hang up now. Mexican: Ok, Gringo-man,
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| most menacing way imaginable. Mr.
| |
| | just tell Luis Alvarez when you see him
|
| Air-Tech CEO previously had the number we
| |
| | that Chucho called. Click We were waiting
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| were now assigned. The phone company did
| |
| | for a call from a friend so we plugged in
|
| not retire his number when he, of course,
| |
| | the phone and forgot it was "HOT!" and
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| wink, wink, changed it. For 180 days, we
| |
| | ready for "LIVE" Luis Alvarez action!
|
| received Air-Tech's calls from all over
| |
| | (This conversation has been translated
|
| the world. Companies in New Zealand and
| |
| | from the Spanish for clarity, alacrity,
|
| Australian that were looking for this guy
| |
| | familiarity, and any other "ity" you can
|
| were forever forgetting how to calculate
| |
| | imagine...)
|
| the time differences between Kansas and
| |
| |
|
| Down Under. Once, I received a dozen
| |
| | ME: Hello? PERT AND RUDE
|
| faxes from the New Zealand government
| |
| | MEXICANA: I would like to speak with Luis
|
| demanding I fork over a refund that I
| |
| | Alvarez. A Short Pause in the Action
|
| think was at least 8 digits, or else! I
| |
| | I have been sitting around planning and
|
| finally asked someone what exactly we
| |
| | plotting most fiendishly for months just
|
| were being hounded about. I talked with
| |
| | how to respond to these people. The
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| an Australian newspaper reporter who told
| |
| | reason is that they cannot seem to grasp
|
| me the entire scoop. Finally, I called
| |
| | what "You're reached a wrong number"
|
| the phone company. After several service
| |
| | means. This is not a Mexican phenomenon.
|
| reps, each of which insisted I retell the
| |
| | When I was in America, this old lady
|
| story for his or her mirth and enjoyment,
| |
| | would always call and insist on making a
|
| changed our telephone number for free.
| |
| | hair appointment with me. No matter what
|
| So, here I am thinking that moving to
| |
| | I told her, no matter how I pled with her
|
| Mexico would offer us some relief from
| |
| | that I wasn't "Get Nailed" Hair, Wax, and
|
| what I erroneously thought was an
| |
| | Nail Salon, she insisted I take her
|
| American issue-wrong numbers. Mexico is
| |
| | appointment. To keep her from hounding
|
| even worse! The current battle in which
| |
| | me, I begin scheduling her in. So, this
|
| we are engaged is for someone named "Luis
| |
| | happens anywhere that has phones. Back to
|
| Alvarez." I have no idea what he's wanted
| |
| | the Action ME: This is the house of
|
| for nor why everyone in all of Latin
| |
| | Bower. PERT AND RUDE MEXICANA: The house
|
| America is after him, but this guy must
| |
| | is in a shower? ME: This is a house of
|
| owe everyone money. He must have signed
| |
| | Gringos. PERT AND RUDE MEXICANA: I don't
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| up for a loan and then didn't make
| |
| | care where you are from; I want to speak
|
| payments, has gambling debts, or at the
| |
| | with Luis Alvarez. ME: We are Gringos
|
| very least is loved and wanted by all of
| |
| | from the United States and we don't know
|
| Mexico and seven other Latin American
| |
| | this guy. PERT AND RUDE MEXICANA: Have I
|
| countries. We get calls, and I am not
| |
| | reached 555-5555? ME: Yes, but we don't
|
| making this up, for Luis Alvarez so many
| |
| | know this guy. PERT AND RUDE MEXICANA:
|
| times a day that we've lost count. As I
| |
| | Then why do we have your address and
|
| am typing these words, the phone, which
| |
| | phone number as his place of residence?
|
| we had to unplug, is now sitting there
| |
| | ME: Because, Chiquita, he is a crazy man
|
| unavailable for us to use. If it were
| |
| | much like you are a crazy woman for
|
| plugged in, it would be ringing off the
| |
| | failing to grasp the concept that ...YOU
|
| hook for our good friend, Luis, who must
| |
| | HAVE THE WRONG NUMBER! Now, this would
|
| have us as character references or
| |
| | have lagged on for minutes were it not
|
| something! I swear to God, I got this
| |
| | for a string of Spanish epithets that
|
| call at 2:30 am one morning last fall: To
| |
| | somehow quite miraculously came rushing
|
| save time, I have translated it into
| |
| | out of my mouth. I was possessed by the
|
| English. Mexican: Hello, is Luis Alvarez
| |
| | Street-Spanish Demon and cannot be held
|
| there? Me: I am afraid you have the wrong
| |
| | responsible for what happened next. She
|
| number. Mexican: Did I dial 555-5555? Me:
| |
| | hung up. I expect to start receiving
|
| Yes. Mexican: Then I got the right
| |
| | visitors to my door any day now, with at
|
| number. I would like to talk to Luis
| |
| | least two thugs named Bubbito (this is
|
| Alvarez, please, if it's not a bother.
| |
| | Spanish for Bubba) and Lennito (this is
|
| Me: There is no Luis Alvarez here.
| |
| | Spanish for Lenny). They will be
|
| Mexican: But I dialed the correct number.
| |
| | looking for Luis Alvarez, of course!
|
