Latin America guide


Living In Mexico With Lenny And Bubba

I have the very worst luck with gettingbut Luis Alvarez doesn't live here. Mexican:
wrong-number phone calls, no matter what(After a long and pregnant pause) Oh, I see.
country I live in. Believe me, when we movedWell, then, can you go and get Luis Alvarez
to Mexico, the problem didn't get any better.for me? Me: Say, what? Mexican: Can you run
When we lived in Overland Park, Kansas, theto wherever Luis Alvarez is and get him to
wrong numbers started the very day we movedthe phone for me? Me: You still don't
in and had our phone connected. Someone, no,understand. This is not Luis Alvarez's house.
I mean thousands of people, began calling forMexican: Oh, I get that. Are you a gringo or
Air-Tech Technologies. The company title is asomething? Never mind. Can you just go and
redundancy, I know, and perhaps that's why atget him? Me: But, I don't know any Luis
least seven countries were hunting down theAlvarez. Mexican: I am sure he lives in your
CEO of this business to beat him senselessBarrio (neighborhood). Can you ask your
for that name, but no! Apparently, theseneighbors where he lives and then go get him?
yahoos sold some sort of components for jetMe: No, I don't think I can do that. Mexican:
fighter computerized navigation systems. TheYou've got to be a gringo. Ok, Let me ask you
component did not work. These people to whomthis: Can I leave a message for Luis Alvarez?
Mr. Ha-Ha-I've-Got-Your-Money sold theseWhen you see him, can you give it to him? Me:
defective microchips wanted to have a fewBut I don't know any Luis Alvarez! Mexican:
words with him, which I am sure meant they¡Qué Padre! Me: I am going to hang up
wanted to threaten him in the most menacingnow. Mexican: Ok, Gringo-man, just tell Luis
way imaginable. Mr. Air-Tech CEO previouslyAlvarez when you see him that Chucho called.
had the number we were now assigned. TheClick We were waiting for a call from a
phone company did not retire his number whenfriend so we plugged in the phone and forgot
he, of course, wink, wink, changed it. Forit was "HOT!" and ready for "LIVE" Luis
180 days, we received Air-Tech's calls fromAlvarez action! (This conversation has been
all over the world. Companies in New Zealandtranslated from the Spanish for clarity,
and Australian that were looking for this guyalacrity, familiarity, and any other "ity"
were forever forgetting how to calculate theyou can imagine...)
time differences between Kansas and Down
Under. Once, I received a dozen faxes fromME: Hello? PERT AND RUDE MEXICANA: I
the New Zealand government demanding I forkwould like to speak with Luis Alvarez. A
over a refund that I think was at least 8Short Pause in the Action I have been
digits, or else! I finally asked someone whatsitting around planning and plotting most
exactly we were being hounded about. I talkedfiendishly for months just how to respond to
with an Australian newspaper reporter whothese people. The reason is that they cannot
told me the entire scoop. Finally, I calledseem to grasp what "You're reached a wrong
the phone company. After several servicenumber" means. This is not a Mexican
reps, each of which insisted I retell thephenomenon. When I was in America, this old
story for his or her mirth and enjoyment,lady would always call and insist on making a
changed our telephone number for free. So,hair appointment with me. No matter what I
here I am thinking that moving to Mexicotold her, no matter how I pled with her that
would offer us some relief from what II wasn't "Get Nailed" Hair, Wax, and Nail
erroneously thought was an AmericanSalon, she insisted I take her appointment.
issue-wrong numbers. Mexico is even worse!To keep her from hounding me, I begin
The current battle in which we are engaged isscheduling her in. So, this happens anywhere
for someone named "Luis Alvarez." I have nothat has phones. Back to the Action ME: This
idea what he's wanted for nor why everyone inis the house of Bower. PERT AND RUDE
all of Latin America is after him, but thisMEXICANA: The house is in a shower? ME: This
guy must owe everyone money. He must haveis a house of Gringos. PERT AND RUDE
signed up for a loan and then didn't makeMEXICANA: I don't care where you are from; I
payments, has gambling debts, or at the verywant to speak with Luis Alvarez. ME: We are
least is loved and wanted by all of MexicoGringos from the United States and we don't
and seven other Latin American countries. Weknow this guy. PERT AND RUDE MEXICANA: Have I
get calls, and I am not making this up, forreached 555-5555? ME: Yes, but we don't know
Luis Alvarez so many times a day that we'vethis guy. PERT AND RUDE MEXICANA: Then why do
lost count. As I am typing these words, thewe have your address and phone number as his
phone, which we had to unplug, is now sittingplace of residence? ME: Because, Chiquita, he
there unavailable for us to use. If it wereis a crazy man much like you are a crazy
plugged in, it would be ringing off the hookwoman for failing to grasp the concept that
for our good friend, Luis, who must have us...YOU HAVE THE WRONG NUMBER! Now, this would
as character references or something! I swearhave lagged on for minutes were it not for a
to God, I got this call at 2:30 am onestring of Spanish epithets that somehow quite
morning last fall: To save time, I havemiraculously came rushing out of my mouth. I
translated it into English. Mexican: Hello,was possessed by the Street-Spanish Demon and
is Luis Alvarez there? Me: I am afraid youcannot be held responsible for what happened
have the wrong number. Mexican: Did I dialnext. She hung up. I expect to start
555-5555? Me: Yes. Mexican: Then I got thereceiving visitors to my door any day now,
right number. I would like to talk to Luiswith at least two thugs named Bubbito (this
Alvarez, please, if it's not a bother. Me:is Spanish for Bubba) and Lennito (this is
There is no Luis Alvarez here. Mexican: But ISpanish for Lenny). They will be looking
dialed the correct number. Me: Yes, you didfor Luis Alvarez, of course!



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