| I have the very worst luck with getting wrong-number | | | | Yes, you did but Luis Alvarez doesn't live here. |
| phone calls, no matter what country I live in. Believe | | | | Mexican: (After a long and pregnant pause) Oh, I see. |
| me, when we moved to Mexico, the problem didn't get | | | | Well, then, can you go and get Luis Alvarez for me? |
| any better. When we lived in Overland Park, Kansas, | | | | Me: Say, what? Mexican: Can you run to wherever |
| the wrong numbers started the very day we moved | | | | Luis Alvarez is and get him to the phone for me? Me: |
| in and had our phone connected. Someone, no, I mean | | | | You still don't understand. This is not Luis Alvarez's |
| thousands of people, began calling for Air-Tech | | | | house. Mexican: Oh, I get that. Are you a gringo or |
| Technologies. The company title is a redundancy, I | | | | something? Never mind. Can you just go and get him? |
| know, and perhaps that's why at least seven countries | | | | Me: But, I don't know any Luis Alvarez. Mexican: I am |
| were hunting down the CEO of this business to beat | | | | sure he lives in your Barrio (neighborhood). Can you |
| him senseless for that name, but no! Apparently, these | | | | ask your neighbors where he lives and then go get |
| yahoos sold some sort of components for jet fighter | | | | him? Me: No, I don't think I can do that. Mexican: You've |
| computerized navigation systems. The component did | | | | got to be a gringo. Ok, Let me ask you this: Can I |
| not work. These people to whom Mr. | | | | leave a message for Luis Alvarez? When you see |
| Ha-Ha-I've-Got-Your-Money sold these defective | | | | him, can you give it to him? Me: But I don't know any |
| microchips wanted to have a few words with him, | | | | Luis Alvarez! Mexican: ¡Qué Padre! Me: I am |
| which I am sure meant they wanted to threaten him in | | | | going to hang up now. Mexican: Ok, Gringo-man, just |
| the most menacing way imaginable. Mr. Air-Tech CEO | | | | tell Luis Alvarez when you see him that Chucho called. |
| previously had the number we were now assigned. | | | | Click We were waiting for a call from a friend so we |
| The phone company did not retire his number when | | | | plugged in the phone and forgot it was "HOT!" and |
| he, of course, wink, wink, changed it. For 180 days, we | | | | ready for "LIVE" Luis Alvarez action! (This |
| received Air-Tech's calls from all over the world. | | | | conversation has been translated from the Spanish for |
| Companies in New Zealand and Australian that were | | | | clarity, alacrity, familiarity, and any other "ity" you can |
| looking for this guy were forever forgetting how to | | | | imagine...) ME: Hello? PERT AND RUDE MEXICANA: I |
| calculate the time differences between Kansas and | | | | would like to speak with Luis Alvarez. A Short Pause |
| Down Under. Once, I received a dozen faxes from the | | | | in the Action I have been sitting around planning and |
| New Zealand government demanding I fork over a | | | | plotting most fiendishly for months just how to respond |
| refund that I think was at least 8 digits, or else! I finally | | | | to these people. The reason is that they cannot seem |
| asked someone what exactly we were being | | | | to grasp what "You're reached a wrong number" |
| hounded about. I talked with an Australian newspaper | | | | means. This is not a Mexican phenomenon. When I |
| reporter who told me the entire scoop. Finally, I called | | | | was in America, this old lady would always call and |
| the phone company. After several service reps, each | | | | insist on making a hair appointment with me. No matter |
| of which insisted I retell the story for his or her mirth | | | | what I told her, no matter how I pled with her that I |
| and enjoyment, changed our telephone number for | | | | wasn't "Get Nailed" Hair, Wax, and Nail Salon, she |
| free. So, here I am thinking that moving to Mexico | | | | insisted I take her appointment. To keep her from |
| would offer us some relief from what I erroneously | | | | hounding me, I begin scheduling her in. So, this happens |
| thought was an American issue-wrong numbers. | | | | anywhere that has phones. Back to the Action ME: |
| Mexico is even worse! The current battle in which we | | | | This is the house of Bower. PERT AND RUDE |
| are engaged is for someone named "Luis Alvarez." I | | | | MEXICANA: The house is in a shower? ME: This is a |
| have no idea what he's wanted for nor why everyone | | | | house of Gringos. PERT AND RUDE MEXICANA: I |
| in all of Latin America is after him, but this guy must | | | | don't care where you are from; I want to speak with |
| owe everyone money. He must have signed up for a | | | | Luis Alvarez. ME: We are Gringos from the United |
| loan and then didn't make payments, has gambling | | | | States and we don't know this guy. PERT AND RUDE |
| debts, or at the very least is loved and wanted by all | | | | MEXICANA: Have I reached 555-5555? ME: Yes, but |
| of Mexico and seven other Latin American countries. | | | | we don't know this guy. PERT AND RUDE |
| We get calls, and I am not making this up, for Luis | | | | MEXICANA: Then why do we have your address and |
| Alvarez so many times a day that we've lost count. | | | | phone number as his place of residence? ME: |
| As I am typing these words, the phone, which we had | | | | Because, Chiquita, he is a crazy man much like you |
| to unplug, is now sitting there unavailable for us to use. | | | | are a crazy woman for failing to grasp the concept |
| If it were plugged in, it would be ringing off the hook for | | | | that ...YOU HAVE THE WRONG NUMBER! Now, this |
| our good friend, Luis, who must have us as character | | | | would have lagged on for minutes were it not for a |
| references or something! I swear to God, I got this call | | | | string of Spanish epithets that somehow quite |
| at 2:30 am one morning last fall: To save time, I have | | | | miraculously came rushing out of my mouth. I was |
| translated it into English. Mexican: Hello, is Luis Alvarez | | | | possessed by the Street-Spanish Demon and cannot |
| there? Me: I am afraid you have the wrong number. | | | | be held responsible for what happened next. She hung |
| Mexican: Did I dial 555-5555? Me: Yes. Mexican: Then I | | | | up. I expect to start receiving visitors to my door any |
| got the right number. I would like to talk to Luis Alvarez, | | | | day now, with at least two thugs named Bubbito (this |
| please, if it's not a bother. Me: There is no Luis Alvarez | | | | is Spanish for Bubba) and Lennito (this is Spanish for |
| here. Mexican: But I dialed the correct number. Me: | | | | Lenny). They will be looking for Luis Alvarez, of course! |