Living In Mexico With Lenny And Bubba

I have the very worst luck with getting wrong-numberYes, you did but Luis Alvarez doesn't live here.
phone calls, no matter what country I live in. BelieveMexican: (After a long and pregnant pause) Oh, I see.
me, when we moved to Mexico, the problem didn't getWell, then, can you go and get Luis Alvarez for me?
any better. When we lived in Overland Park, Kansas,Me: Say, what? Mexican: Can you run to wherever
the wrong numbers started the very day we movedLuis Alvarez is and get him to the phone for me? Me:
in and had our phone connected. Someone, no, I meanYou still don't understand. This is not Luis Alvarez's
thousands of people, began calling for Air-Techhouse. Mexican: Oh, I get that. Are you a gringo or
Technologies. The company title is a redundancy, Isomething? Never mind. Can you just go and get him?
know, and perhaps that's why at least seven countriesMe: But, I don't know any Luis Alvarez. Mexican: I am
were hunting down the CEO of this business to beatsure he lives in your Barrio (neighborhood). Can you
him senseless for that name, but no! Apparently, theseask your neighbors where he lives and then go get
yahoos sold some sort of components for jet fighterhim? Me: No, I don't think I can do that. Mexican: You've
computerized navigation systems. The component didgot to be a gringo. Ok, Let me ask you this: Can I
not work. These people to whom Mr.leave a message for Luis Alvarez? When you see
Ha-Ha-I've-Got-Your-Money sold these defectivehim, can you give it to him? Me: But I don't know any
microchips wanted to have a few words with him,Luis Alvarez! Mexican: ¡Qué Padre! Me: I am
which I am sure meant they wanted to threaten him ingoing to hang up now. Mexican: Ok, Gringo-man, just
the most menacing way imaginable. Mr. Air-Tech CEOtell Luis Alvarez when you see him that Chucho called.
previously had the number we were now assigned.Click We were waiting for a call from a friend so we
The phone company did not retire his number whenplugged in the phone and forgot it was "HOT!" and
he, of course, wink, wink, changed it. For 180 days, weready for "LIVE" Luis Alvarez action! (This
received Air-Tech's calls from all over the world.conversation has been translated from the Spanish for
Companies in New Zealand and Australian that wereclarity, alacrity, familiarity, and any other "ity" you can
looking for this guy were forever forgetting how toimagine...) ME: Hello? PERT AND RUDE MEXICANA: I
calculate the time differences between Kansas andwould like to speak with Luis Alvarez. A Short Pause
Down Under. Once, I received a dozen faxes from thein the Action I have been sitting around planning and
New Zealand government demanding I fork over aplotting most fiendishly for months just how to respond
refund that I think was at least 8 digits, or else! I finallyto these people. The reason is that they cannot seem
asked someone what exactly we were beingto grasp what "You're reached a wrong number"
hounded about. I talked with an Australian newspapermeans. This is not a Mexican phenomenon. When I
reporter who told me the entire scoop. Finally, I calledwas in America, this old lady would always call and
the phone company. After several service reps, eachinsist on making a hair appointment with me. No matter
of which insisted I retell the story for his or her mirthwhat I told her, no matter how I pled with her that I
and enjoyment, changed our telephone number forwasn't "Get Nailed" Hair, Wax, and Nail Salon, she
free. So, here I am thinking that moving to Mexicoinsisted I take her appointment. To keep her from
would offer us some relief from what I erroneouslyhounding me, I begin scheduling her in. So, this happens
thought was an American issue-wrong numbers.anywhere that has phones. Back to the Action ME:
Mexico is even worse! The current battle in which weThis is the house of Bower. PERT AND RUDE
are engaged is for someone named "Luis Alvarez." IMEXICANA: The house is in a shower? ME: This is a
have no idea what he's wanted for nor why everyonehouse of Gringos. PERT AND RUDE MEXICANA: I
in all of Latin America is after him, but this guy mustdon't care where you are from; I want to speak with
owe everyone money. He must have signed up for aLuis Alvarez. ME: We are Gringos from the United
loan and then didn't make payments, has gamblingStates and we don't know this guy. PERT AND RUDE
debts, or at the very least is loved and wanted by allMEXICANA: Have I reached 555-5555? ME: Yes, but
of Mexico and seven other Latin American countries.we don't know this guy. PERT AND RUDE
We get calls, and I am not making this up, for LuisMEXICANA: Then why do we have your address and
Alvarez so many times a day that we've lost count.phone number as his place of residence? ME:
As I am typing these words, the phone, which we hadBecause, Chiquita, he is a crazy man much like you
to unplug, is now sitting there unavailable for us to use.are a crazy woman for failing to grasp the concept
If it were plugged in, it would be ringing off the hook forthat ...YOU HAVE THE WRONG NUMBER! Now, this
our good friend, Luis, who must have us as characterwould have lagged on for minutes were it not for a
references or something! I swear to God, I got this callstring of Spanish epithets that somehow quite
at 2:30 am one morning last fall: To save time, I havemiraculously came rushing out of my mouth. I was
translated it into English. Mexican: Hello, is Luis Alvarezpossessed by the Street-Spanish Demon and cannot
there? Me: I am afraid you have the wrong number.be held responsible for what happened next. She hung
Mexican: Did I dial 555-5555? Me: Yes. Mexican: Then Iup. I expect to start receiving visitors to my door any
got the right number. I would like to talk to Luis Alvarez,day now, with at least two thugs named Bubbito (this
please, if it's not a bother. Me: There is no Luis Alvarezis Spanish for Bubba) and Lennito (this is Spanish for
here. Mexican: But I dialed the correct number. Me:Lenny). They will be looking for Luis Alvarez, of course!